An Open Letter To Men


January 1, 2012

Dear Men,

I know I am probably going to get slammed for this one, but honestly I have to say something.  I have decided to bring in my new year with confrontation of truth.

As my daughter tells me that she has a crush on a boy, I cringe at what may lie ahead of her.  Before I get into this I want to simply explain where this is coming from.  I am not fed up to the point where I want to curse you, I am not bitter to where I have decided to quit, I am just simply hoping that a few words may resonate with you and give you a strict point of view from a mere woman that has felt the pain of someone who decided not to be a man!

There is endless propaganda where even women are bashing other women assigning blame to us for allowing men to do what they do to us; we are constantly being accosted for being enablers and voluntary victims.  You ladies need to be quiet!  One of our biggest problems as women is that we don’t stand in solidarity; we constantly believe that if we jump on the man side that in some way is going to score us points.  You still lose because denial of the problem continues to fuel it.

I keep hearing that “whole” men are scarce.  Are they?  When I say whole, I mean fully independent, functioning and balanced individuals that are givers and not takers.  Yes, I said “givers” and I am not speaking about anything material or superficial.  You guys are made to be givers and us the receivers; this is the design from our physical reality to the spiritual realm.

There are several things that are happening in the world of the man/woman exchange and I wish that this modest attempt to explain would give you a small peek into the soul of a woman.  I dare to say this out loud and loan my vulnerability to the world in hopes that maybe one woman will be spared from the selfishness of a charismatic culprit.

I have gathered the information from endless conversations, exchanges and confessions from women from all walks of life that all have one thing in common:  PAIN!  And I think that you need to learn to understand pain on a man level because what you perceive as “crazy” is a manifestation of the recklessness and negligence of some man, it could be daddy, a bad boyfriend or an inappropriate uncle, you get the picture.

Do you know the effects of abuse?  Do you even know what abuse is?  I tire at hearing men pride themselves that they don’t physically abuse women or raise their voices.  Applause break, you noble creature you; you’re not supposed to do that.  You are also not supposed to lie, cheat, mislead, mistreat, deceive nor are you allowed to be negligent, malicious and down right reckless with a woman.

Think about the women in your life that you adore like your daughters, sisters and mothers when you are going to do what you do.  Some of you actually enjoy it:  bragging about deceiving women and mistreating them.  You have adopted the word bitch into your lexicon; do you refer to your mother as a bitch?  No because she is your mother and to you she is sacred but to another man she is just a woman, his bitch!  You don’t like that do you?  If you do, then maybe there is where you need to begin to explore your problem.  And it IS a problem, if you have unresolved “Mommy issues” because now you are taking this out on whoever comes your way.

Here are a few types that I keep hearing about and this is what I have to say to them.

Cheaters- Do you understand that when you are having sex with multiple women you are depositing and redistributing D.N.A.   You are re-circulating all of your issues and those of all that you have been with, in addition to, the obvious bacteria which leads to that crazy that you later complain about.

The Half Ass Man– If you are in a woman’s life then be a participant in it, adding to her life.  Stop taking away, you are damaging someone’s child and sometimes mother. Stop being an “I’ll help you out” man and become an “I’ll take care of it” man, man.

The Private Person– There is a big difference between a private person and a shady dude.  Not wanting to share details of your personal life is one thing, but keeping someone a secret under that banner is totally different.  Who do you think you are? And who do you think she’s not?  If she is so beneath you, why are you dealing with her in the first place?  What does that say about how you feel about yourself?

It’s Complicated – It’s only complicated, because you need it to be, to serve your purpose.  If you are married then it’s not complicated, you are not available, stop lying.

If you are with someone that has been there for you and you don’t know how to release her, you are wrong.  That doesn’t make you noble, that makes you selfish.  Let her go so that she can find someone that is available and fully capable of committing.

You can date multiple people, stop being a coward and fully disclose, allow her to make the choice to be with you.

In and Out – You built a not so fun rollercoaster and demand on not riding it alone.  How dare you?  If you don’t know what you want then go figure it out, don’t expect someone to give good years of her life to your unstable cause.

No Good Dirty Low Down- Hey listen, if you like boys too there is a room for you.  There are plenty of women that will date a “bisexual” man, this should be her decision not yours.  It’s devastating to know that in addition to being concerned with other women, that men are also a factor.  You are being negligent with someone’s life, and you should be ashamed of yourself, not for your sexual orientation but for your lack of respect for human life.

Mr., I’ll Slap a Bitch – I am not an advocate of violence but for every man that enjoys physically abusing women I would love for you to experience a massive beat down from a force that you can’t conquer.  How could you put your hand on someone’s daughter and recklessly handle her like she is less than?  You need help and if you were a REAL man then you would seek it.

I’ll Do What ever it Takes – How old are you?  Are you still telling women whatever it takes to get some action?   It is my belief that when you are truly solid wherever you may be standing you don’t have to lie, exaggerate nor embellish to gain a woman’s interest.

Mr. Gigga Ho– Has it become a trend that men are taking on the feminine role of being provided for.  Get your lazy ass up and go to work; you will never have to experience a contraction or labor pain in your life.   Yes your woman can help you when you are down but your role is to lead, so lead with employment.  It isn’t cute that you that prey on a woman with low self-esteem to take care of you.  Even if your friends laugh it off with you, those that are good people think that you are garbage.

I Have a Dream – I hear countless men express how much they want a solid, driven and accomplished woman but sometimes it  feels that they want this so long as it doesn’t trump what they are doing.  You have big dreams Sir, well so do I!  I have heard so many stories from women about how their men feel threatened by their accomplishments and really just want to drive them under.  Truth is if you are not confident enough to be with a woman that has arrived then perhaps you should stay where you are.

Ride or Die – I love to hear men express how they long for a woman that lives by that good ole Soprano type loyalty but aren’t even capable of delivering it.  I’ll keep this one simple, stop asking for what you can’t provide.  You gotta BE what you WANT!

I know, I know it sounds pretty bad but have you checked out the statistics lately? Are you aware of the damage that you are doing?  If every woman acted on her most selfish, primal desire you men would be destroyed.  You wouldn’t be able to handle it, guaranteed.

I am not in any way removing accountability from women, but what some of you men are doing is wrong.  If you cross the street in the middle of the intersection and someone decides to hit you because what you are doing is wrong, shouldn’t they answer for that?  My point is that those that take advantage of others’ poor decisions should still be accountable, period.  There has been centuries of damage done to women and to this day we are still the most oppressed group on the planet.  Most men are only affected by this reality when it is directly a problem to the women that they care about.

Think, do you want to exercise the above hatred on your beautiful little daughter, of course not, then don’t do it to someone else’s. Just STOP!  I am in no way disputing that women should make better choices, ALL I am saying is that while we are working on that, some of you men should work on being a better choice!

Feel free to leave a comment here.  I am available for short chats, join me on Twitter.

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141 thoughts on “An Open Letter To Men

  1. There are good men out here, Mrs. Branch can vouch for that… Many of us don’t look the part, but take some time to dig deeper. Peace & Blessings.

    1. Not disputing that Mr. Branch, I commend those of you that are doing the right thing. Just wanted to give some men a little insight on some of the things that women go through. Cheers to you and the Mrs., I will continue to dig deeper, learning is freeing.

    2. Hello Aida, The problem is a lack of LEADERSHIP in our community. times have changed years ago men were REAL GENTLEMAN. They open doors, paid the bills, took out the trash, washed your car, and would never call a woman out of her name. Also the men took Pride in being a PROVIDER. It was what made them feel more of a Man. Think back in the Motown Days. Just Listen to the Music Then. Listen to the words of the songs. It was Sweet Words of LOVE And RESPECT. Even the women had a SONG CALLED (RESPECT YOUR SELF). Just listen to the Music Now Days. NO RESPECT FOR A WOMEN OR OUR SELVES. Aida, ITS SAD. But um telling you now. THE PROBLEM IS A LACK OF LEADERSHIP. THINK BACK YOU YOU HAD DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. MEN WERE FOLLOWING GOOD LEADERSHIP AND THE WOMEN LOVED IT. NOW ITS GOING TO TAKE PRAYER AND ACTION FROM REAL MEN OF GOD THAT ARE NOT JUST OUT TO TALK GOOD TALK TO FILL THERE POCKETS. BUT MEN WHO ARE GOD SENT AND ON A MISSION TO SAVE LIVES. WELL I AM ONE MAN WHO HAS AND STILL IS DOING THE WORK. I AM A MAN OF GOD AND I TEACH YOUNG BOYS AND GIRLS HOW TO BECOME REAL MEN AND WOMEN. If you and anyone else is interested in JOINING ME PLEASE CONTACT ME. I LIVE IN THE LOS ANGELES AREA. MY EMAIL: youthrescuemission@yahoo.com -BE ENCOURAGED WITH BROTHERLY LOVE IN CHRIST. -Carl L McCrary.

    3. I completely agree with everything you have written. But most, if not all women take a U turn, when they spot a men without the negatives qualities you mentioned in your article. Why is that? Many of us are the way we are, because of the different situations/issues/mind games/in your face body parts we’re being exposed to on a daily basis–Not to say that it is just for certain men (due to the environment in which they were raised) to be the way they are, but it is pure injustice to straight intelligent men not to (bid) raise their flags when “Yummylicious” parts are being pushed. I call it hardcore advertising; it gets Very Hard, when you’re the guy standing on the side line, so to speak. Change your ways, and men will have no choice but to respond appropriately.

      Hu

    1. I don’t operate from game, I am a real woman. I attract great men into my life but this post is not about me. Low life types should still be accountable for their actions, I am a collective thinker. If you men don’t stand up for us women then who will?

      1. Aida, good morning! I just read your article. I don’t know if I agree with everything you wrote. That is not important. However, you did give me much to think about. BTW, I almost didn’t respond because of the first three (3) pictures I saw of you. They were of some characters I guess you play and I thought, I am not responding to this. Then I saw the small picture up above and clicked on the more photo’s link. Quite the beautiful woman you are. I wish you the very best and a Happy New Year!

      2. And as a writer Phillip, my aim is just to share a point of view. I don’t speak my opinion as law, I just express my opinion with confidence. Just some thing to think about is all that I was looking for. Cheers.

      3. I feel where you coming from in your late. I feel the same way about out sister. We got some of out black woman doing the same thing brother are doing. A brother get tried trying to be a real man to some of this lady but they dont wont a real man they wont a man who they use to been with and think we good guy should just take it. but when this no good brother are gone then they wont run back. I no there are some real good woman out there i just keep looking, but they have to stop hide from us good brother.

      4. There is alot of undeniable truth in her words.

        But even with that being said at the end of the day the ONLY person who is going to look out for you is YOU.

        You women need to eat, live, and breath the word SELF-PRESERVATION.

        While it is a terrible thing that there are men out there who embrace the traits that are mentioned in this article, I think that what has been lost in all of this is the lack of preventative measures that should be taken to minimize the encounters you have with these type of people.

        You don’t want to get pregnant? You take the “preventative measures” to not have unprotected sex.

        Everything in life is relative. When you have solid principles mixed with the will and desire to want more for urself the odds are usually in ur favor.

    2. I am forever telling my daughter that! I learned the hard way and I suppose the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, lol 🙂

  2. It is said many different ways. What goes around comes around, seed time and harvest, do unto others… Because I know the way that I treat women will become the standard that my daughters accept in their lives I choose to treat women very well (starting with my wife of 18 years) Yet, in my own home I still have to confront the images the media vomits throughout our society. As a culture I do not know that we can ever reverse the trend to abuse and disrespect women but in my home I teach my family by example that a REAL MAN provides, protects, nurtures, builds up, pushes, supports, loves, and does whatever is necessary for the ones he is responsible for. In my home I set a standard and try to encourage others to raise the bar. If we can do better, we should do better. Andre

    1. So true! I find that when I’m dealing with an emotionally mature man, I don’t have as many issues with them. I did come from an extremely abusive childhood and unfortunately, it still haunts me well into my 40’s but I am working on recognizing good men from not so good men, which is true for women too – there are good and not so good women. It can all be rectified though if you’re willing to accept 100% responsibility for yourself and not make excuses for your behavior, which way too many people in this world do. From a woman’s perspective, this articles’s great because it addresses the top stressors with men that we experience. I know too many women who accept abuse or have such low self esteem that their husbands are downright losers, and they stay, but I’ve learned it’s not my problem and to stay focused on my goal which is to manifest the a happy, stress-free relationship with an adult, mature man that I believe is possible for me no matter what my age is.

  3. I don’t want to sound like a holy roller, and point well taken, but all the characters you have described are not new and have been described in the bible. Look up Laban, Jacob, Judah, David, Nabal, Amnon, Jonadab, Solomon. All these men or more have treated women with less than a gentle touch. This is a short list.
    While we are confronted with many characters. It is incumbent upon us as a corporate community to love and support each other that can only happen one person at a time. In many cases women as you pointed out need to start supporting each other. Stop sleeping with other women’s husbands, stop being so quick to give up the “cookie” so easily in the hopes that he will love you.” Stop acting like a wife to a boyfriend. Stop using children as pawns. Stop using sex as a weapon. While your letter is heart felt, what I believe makes a stronger statement to men about their behavior towards women is what is said in Ephesian 5:28

    28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

    Trying to convince men to consider their mom, sisters or even daughters before they mistreat a woman has not worked. But perhaps telling a man treat that woman the way they treat themselves might make them re-consider their behavior.

    I love and believe in love and know that they are good people out there. Thanks for reading.

    I write a weekly blog you may have some comment on, see Luvsoftly on wordpress.

  4. Women,
    Begin with educating yourself of what is true. The truth is what is in you, not in a man. The same is true for us men. The truth is in us men; and, not in a woman. But what is this truth? When we figure out what this truth is, and understand it, we can begin to understand each other.

    What is this truth in us?

  5. Women should stand up for women. If you don’t want to accept this behavior from “some” men, then speak to them (young women) and teach them not to accept that from a man. Learn to not enable. Teach them what a strong man is and how to identify one. Its YOUR JOB smart woman to educate these women into RATIONAL THOUGHT….something Women are NOT ACCUSTOM to. Teach them how to mask and hide their emotions so that they don’t FALL for these blatant “MAN TRICKS” that are being employed by such men. The problem is…everyone wants to blame everyone else for what’s going on today….BLAME YOURSELF FOR YOUR OWN DECISIONS.

    If a man accepts homosexuality, then he has to deal with that on his own. If a woman accepts an AINT SHIT man, then she has to do the same. LADIES MAKE BETTER DECISIONS WHEN CHOOSING A MATE!!…seems like a better title for this…because when I go to the produce section, I can’t blame the grocer for selling me a bad Head of Lettuce, when I had a whole bunch of heads to choose from.

    1. Oh my dear Nile, it would take me days to respond to this. I am not in any way excusing women from the table of accountability, this is about men owning their actions. Of course I can hold the grocer accountable for a bad head of lettuce, I can even return it and get my money back. BUT I can’t get back a positive HIV test, I can’t get back days of my life and I can’t get back the shreds of esteem I lose from dealing with a malicious, insecure coward! But you are right, we have to stand for each other as women and learn to support one another. That is the point of this post. And stop trying to rename my stuff NILES!

      1. the protect yourself and use a condom, come on now. protect yourself regardless all i have to say is it always easier to accuse rather to to look within. mind you its not right for anyone man or woman to deceive but its not just a man thing woman cheat as well, lie as well, abuse as well. all im sayin is like tyrese said in his album people can only do what you allow them to. its not a gender thing its an individual thing and people just need to be better to each other all around. again just my opinion nothing more nothing less. hope your new year is going well and ur blessed. love ya always.

  6. I Appreciate your thoughts and concerns, but as they say,” no pain no gain”. Life is hard as it is. When you deal with fake women who want men to be real men, it’s not going to happen. Women come out the house fake, fake hair, fake nails and fake personalities. But they want REAL MEN. Relationship and Marriage are long term. Men should stay out the kitchen if you can’t cook. Women don’t fake the funk if your in it to please yourself. What is real? It takes time to build a relationship. Fake hair gets funky in a short period of time, so do those ninja’s you attract. True thinkers know women cannot define a man 1COR 11:3-5. But real man and real women work it out. Based on a higher Authority, not based on there own pleasures. You can’t fake the funk.

    1. I think I like this post dgd360! The best so far although they all are interesting. I have a lot of thoughts on the subject but it’s seems the a lot of women want men to provide, be real men men etc.. as they define it but what are they offering??? Just to live off men?? I do agree that men should provide but to “his” wife family ect.not to every random woman the he meets. It’s a lot of regular Joe’s the would love to have so of these fine, educated, successful women and will respect them til the end of time but we all know the a lot of these ladies arent interested. If you chasing Cinderella’s dream and your model type man than you may keep running into those Fake azz men. If you want to be independent and take on the world deal with what’s out there. If you want to be protect than choice a man that is will to do so, it cant be that hard to indentify a real man.

      Big Fun Pete

  7. I appreciate what you wrote and I can relate to it. How about a man that leaves a few nights out the week and comes back with a bigger and brighter perspective on life. “Ima do right by you baby”. But continues to stay out all night? I am an enabler. I complain and throw hissy fits but the behavior is still going on. It has made me bitter toward men, but not all men. I still have faith that God will intervene and give me the solution I have been praying for. As for your daughter, it is more than ok to have a crush. It is life. Put all the ‘mommy issues’ to the side and be a genuine listener to her infatuation. ;0) great posting!

  8. I can agree,for the most part. As women we most times get fooled by the man in front of us, pretending to be someone else.Therefore, allowing him the chance to be what he has proclaimed. It is not up to us to figure out if he is telling the truth,its up to him to be real about it. For now,I will just keep looking forward and hope that Jesus will send me someone wonderful, truthful,and all the great things in between….
    Love you post….

    Peace and love;
    Anna

  9. WTF IS WRONG WITH ANYONE WITH ANYTHING NEGATIVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS!! Eat a fat one if you don’t agree. Everything said here is true, needs to be said and is probably a reflection of who you are if this upsets you. If you have ever kissed someone you know what’s its like to feel vulnerable. If you ever left your house you know what its like to expect the best out of people. And if you have ever been outside of your mother’s vagina you know it feels like to be human with feelings. Read this with open eyes and an intellect beyond a lump of play doe. I am Jackie Fabulous and I approve this Got Dam Deep Message!

    1. I luv what u said…… but u need to remember so mny family hae fallen from the church… bring GOD back into ur lives and start makin better choices…..

  10. I took the opportunity to read your article and I must admit, It was very good. I do want to let you know something. You want men to be men on their own when it comes to women and that just won’t happen from the masses. Women really do have to change this and that’s the reality of it. I never mislead the ladies.

  11. Aida, bravo! I was beginning to wonder if any women would speak on this post because all I saw were the comments from guys. I have to say that as a woman who has been through so much of this I know that our lack of self worth, as a whole, contributes to this treatment. We live in a world what says we aren’t good enough, smart enough, brave enough, pretty enough to be worthy of better and ladies, we drank the darn kool-aid and believe it to our very core. No we don’t love ourselves enough and we don’t love each other enough to demand a change. I am delighted and thankful you put it out there because until we (women) address that these abuses are only a symptom of our bigger issue things cannot change. Chilvary didn’t simply die, we killed it. Women are the nucleus of our family. We set the tone for our relationships and we can have better ones. It starts IN us. 2012….buckle your seatbelts ladies, it’s a bumpy ride but well worth it!

    Btw…feel free to check out my blog iSistaworld.com we are a small non-profit dedicated to developing all women to their individual greatness. Be Blessed!

  12. I appreciate this. I really do. I wore the scares of a bad relationship for years. A good; hard working; caring single mother. For ten years I watched my life go down hill for making a less than good choice. Called an enabler because I loved someone undeserving of me by weak women on his corner. Women damaged my marriage right along with the grown boy. I find myself starting over; when I should be a millionaire. Crazy to say the least describes me now; bit I’m so glad you put it out there sistah…soooo glad!!<3

    1. All the best Charm, you will heal. You already are a millionaire, those children are worth your weight in gold. Keep your head up and count it all joy, that was a lesson that you shall use to empower you the next go round. Thank you for being brave and sharing, believe it or not our stories help others. Happy New Year

  13. Mmmm…some points are right on, however delivery.. bitter over chocolate. Lots of positive men in this world… Wonderful supportive significant others, lovers, husbands, fathers and sons.

    1. No bitterness here truly this comes from a place of love but thanks for the insight. Interesting that I am in no way seeking to offend the men that are doing the right thing, but I guess a guilty mind needs no accusing. Agape, that is where I live.

  14. Sad. Moving. Lots of pain out there. I think its difficult for anyone who dares to risk their heart for a chance to love someone. Given enough time I guess I could come up with a category for each of the women who mistreated me or another good man that I know. Not sure it would do any good. Pain is pain no matter who has it. The province of purity in the dating process does not belong to women alone nor does it certainly belong to men. It belongs to those who are willing to look deep answer the hard questions about themselves and then move in another direction. The answer, the respect, the love a person desires is inside. Once you find it the abuse, mistreatment ceases from either a man or woman. It is on the road less traveled. I took the trip found my wife. I loving annoy her and she annoys me all the same:-).

  15. e: Yes, what is stated is known and obvious, and the same, nothing new or unknown on the commentary. I gave it the title of a poem my girlfriend wrote long ago, because the theme and sentiment is the same, “Bitter over Chocolate”. I like to start my New Year with positive affirmations and focus on the things I can change and have control of. I focus on how I can empower myself and recognize the type of men described in the article and not allow them in my life. I know I might mistakes on my journey to self awareness and empowerment, but that’s okay, because each time I recognize and rid myself of the toxins in my life becomes ia step toward bringing to me a healthy positive wonderful help mate. I actually blessed with a wonderful, generous, kind, secure, responsible man.

    1. Good for you that is what you are supposed to do, I salute you. I have been blessed with a wonderful, generous, kind, secure and responsible man my whole life…his name is “Daddy”. He set the bar high and I operate from that. I am a writer and I chose to cover an issue that is prevalent right now, as women are under attack. I have to think collectively as an activist because if I am only concerned with my life and how great it is, where would my humanity lie? I respect everyone’s opinions and I welcome an opposing view, but I will not allow someone that doesn’t know me to assign me a label without proper cause. I didn’t have to begin my year with positive affirmations, I begin everyday with them! I don’t practice the New Year’s thing, I do the every day thing. I am blessed with an amazing father, 3 awesome brothers, 5 spectacular uncles, and even an incomparable great-grand father, good men is all I know. Unfortunately, many women don’t have that experience so I have taken on the issue to discover how to help. Unlike many that think they can’t change things, I live and operate from the power that I can! Congrats on having a great mate, that is a wonderful thing, I wish that for you as well as ALL of my sisters that are out there. I continue to write, thanks for reading and continue to share. It is dialogue like this that provokes some to think, even if that only causes few to change. That is how we change those things that we do not believe we have the power to. Have a stupendous year.

  16. Aida What category does I fall under lol? Pious women for pious men, if you attract scum you may have take a look at yourself,

  17. Hey Aida:
    Thank you for your intelligent and insightful post. Reading it of course brings up a plethora of emotions and a wide range of thoughts about what you highlight. I feel your pain and agree that this is a key issue in society today. And even though I cannot relate to the characters that you describe, I like most men can relate to the characteristics. I think the challenge in dealing with the topic is that it is not as simple as you lay it out. It is complicated. However change, (which is I suspect even though you did not state it specifically), is goal of your paper, and therefore I think that some causal factors need to be mentioned. There is the man, the woman, the friends, the families, the backgrounds, the changing societal norms and expectations, the self-images and other key factors that play a role in creating the people and the situations that you describe. If you are not addressing all of these or at least those that apply on an individual basis, then you risk applying blame to a symptom rather than a cause. If you are really interested in a cause, my opinion is that you need to be prepared to dig deep with an open mind and be really prepared to be surprised by answers you discover. Let me also say that I am not excusing anyone nor their behavior but as someone who spent years in an industry trying to get people to put out healthier images and for a long time not understanding how such intelligent people could not get appreciate that by helping everyone’s kids to make better choices, we ultimately help our kids to lead better lives, I finally accepted that it just wasn’t that simple. So if you are interested in taking it, be prepared for a wild and scary ride.

    My second point is more sensitive. You are a beautiful and gifted writer, but I would like to offer something to your paper, that I think is needed. Please add a preamble to your writing to context and provide a foundation for the subject matter and tough statements that you are about to convey. If not, I fear that the people that you would like to hear you most will never listen. They will tune out before they get through it or read it only as entertainment and write you off as another angry woman with an ax to grind. I humbly offer the following comments to you and please know that these comments are heartfelt and sincere. Please forgive any inappropriateness, misjudgements or failings of language that gives the opposite impression.

    You potentially give the impression that your goal is really to vent rather than fix a dire problem. I will give you my reasoning behind my statement from my own life. I have mentored a lot of young people (and still do). Men and women who have what I would describe as unhealthy self views, consistent unhealthy behavior and unhealthy relationships. The first thing I have to recognize is that they think that whatever they are doing is the best they can do, or they would be doing something different (better). So when I approach them with a a topic that needs attention (and sometimes it is life or death), I make sure that I lay the groundwork for them to realize that I understand the rationale (or respect them having the rationale) that they have on the subject matter, I care about them and am interested in the topic for their betterment. I take this approach and whatever time is needed to get them to appreciate this because I know if I do not get this accomplished first, I never have their attention to fill them with good information that will allow them to make better choices. This is a prerequisite, if I want any chance at change. If I am talking with a very young person, this will include my getting physically down to his/her height to insure they appreciate my respect, seriousness and sincerity. I have found that in this case, the more time I spend on my knees, the more positive change I can create. To reach the men you describe, you have to lay a groundwork that has a foundation based on them appreciate you understand and care or, or you are only talking to people who don’t need the conversation. With love and respect. Thanks.

    1. I appreciate all that you are saying and respect where you stand. Unfortunately, one of the things that we women have to deal with when we stand is strength is being labeled an “angry woman”. I know where I stand and always consider the source. I also acknowledge that if someone is not prepared to receive it doesn’t matter how they are being presented. I am a writer, an actor and a comedian I employ passion in all that I do. This is what identifies my brand and distinguishes me from another. I am not angry, I am passionate about my point of view. I am afraid I cannot tailor that to suit those that are sitting on the council of judgement. It is with passion that Obama put Donald Trump in his place, I didn’t think of him as being an “angry black man”, he just said what needed to be said. What I feel is that some people are uncomfortable with my delivery and to them I say don’t buy my book. There are plenty of authors out there saying the same thing in a different way. My approach to things is actually something I inherited from my parents, it is a very direct approach to things that doesn’t really entail using “the bush”. I respect everyone and what they have to say, all I am requesting is that they do the same. Thank you for your beautiful contribution to this, it is the dialogue that I was seeking. I aim to affect a change and like I will continue to state, if one woman is spared, considered and honored that will fulfill my day.

  18. Very good blog entry/ open letter. It applies to women also in the aspect that those men you describe come in the female shape also. I am a good man, good looking, educated, fulltime student and employee with a lot left to live and explore. I have dated a lot of women who fit those descriptions and one in particular stands out which is my equivalent to your “Private Person”. I dated her and all that time I was a secret to the people that mattered in her life (aside from a few friends all of whom know all her dirty business regardless) and I agree that even though it is her fault we broke up I take responsibility for letting her act like that. I say “letting her act” not in the context that I wanted to control her but that I permitted her to deny me because I do not fit what her family and friends view as the “fit” guy, she herself is not fit at all. I fell in love with her but that was never enough. There were other factors that led to the end of our relationship but a huge factor for me was her denial of me, but then she would complain about no good men after having been hurt and played by various men. In essence I commend you for speaking out and shedding some light on hope that more women and men realize that the bullshit needs to stop. I always spoke to her with the truth and she was shrouded in lies, from flirting with other guys to straight up telling people we were just friends. I can come off as Mr. Nice and that is how I am, a laid back dude that like to enjoy the good in life because I have seen what a mess this world can be… but it is what it is. Again I commend you for writing that and helping people realize that the truth is what matters. My older brother always tells me that I need to “f*ck” as many “bitches” as I can and that even when married I should satisfy my urges but honestly I am a one woman man if she commits to me. Sadly my ex, the one I truly love seems to only know bullshit and once faced with someone who cares for her rather than just her looks, she messes it up because I’m not a skinny wanna cop.

    1. Jay I hear you, yes women are guilty of the same thing. We all need to make better choices! I appreciate you sharing your story and I am sorry that you had to experience that. Keep being your true, genuine self and I am sure that one day you will be standing before a woman that is a direct reflection of you.

  19. The problem is both Sexes are instinctualy attracted to things that are not good for us. Candy definitely tastes better then Lima beans, anyone disagree? Yet if you eat candy all day your teeth will rot and you will get diabetes and die at 48, there is nothing sexy about Lima beans but they are healthy and wil lead to a better life. But who wants to eat Lima Beans everyday? The problem is this- Women are not attracted to nice guys!!! Period……sorry ladies it is instinctual, ya can’t change it, but you can change your choices. Ladies, everything a man does is so he can seem attractive to you. If ya’ll were attracted to Shit on our faces, literally doo doo on our faces, we would wake up every morning and smear shit on our faces. “oooh girl look at him, he is sexy! is that Rhino Shit on his face?!?”. ” Girl Did you see MC Shitty faces new video, he can get it”. Women dont find nice guys who treat them well attractive, something you will never hear a male say, “when I grow up i wanna be a shy nerd”….Do you think he would treat you well? he might worship the ground you walk onbut you would never know because you would not give him the time of day, because women are not attracted to that! Ya’ll want SWAG! really?!? Do you know what comes with Swag, with cool, with fine, with a big *&*#….everything you have been talking about. Of course always exceptions to the rule. Do you know what men find attractive? other then the physical……a woman that knows her place and doesn’t complain! yeah I said it. Ladies stop blaming men for being men and blame yourself for being attracted to these losers. Love ya Aida! Keep it up.

    1. RTSteckel, lol not all the time… but I don’t consider myself nice in the nerdy sense… I’m just not going to cause unnecessary headaches for myself in relationships. To a certain extent you are right though. LOL @ big d***ks lmao.

    2. Thanks RT, my head is up and usually higher than most since I am 5’10 and love to wear heels, LOL. I appreciate your comment and you already know I know what you’re talking about. I really posted this to shed some light on how so many woman are feeling and what they have to go through. This is a foreign language to men that don’t operate from this and that is actually refreshing. Any how I will continue to say that we ALL need to make better choices. This is not about assigning blame, it’s about bringing something to light from one mere person’s point of view.

  20. I agree with you 100%.

    I get annoyed whenever I hear a guy bragging about NOT doing the wrong thing or presenting themselves as Dad of the Year because they spend two afternoons a month with their child[ren] or Man of the Year because they bought their s.o. something on February 14.

    Everyone – men and women alike – should be demanding more from themselves. That desire to improve oneself will eventually lead to being recognized by someone else who is equally dedicated to self-improvement.

    Love is love. Love isn’t “what purpose can you serve for me?”. When people understand that concept better, the divorce rate will drop and there will be less bitter single folks in the world.

  21. The problem is that we always have near sighted vision. This problem goes on far beyond, it’s our society and what we breed. Men and women are both equally at fault. No one can do anything to you unless you allow it to happen to you. If you wind up with any of these men, it is your fault because you chose him. A real man would not want to use, abuse or misuse his woman simple and plain. I know women that mess with married men, out of different reasons but the fact is that they are well aware that they are married but they also complain about that he promised to leave his wife or whatever else.

    Yes there are a whole lot of trifling men out there and what they do is not right but at the same time if that woman they are with allows them to get away with all it then yes she is at fault for what is happening to her. Women today are very different than they were 15 years ago and it is due to TV and Radio of what is perceived of what we suppose to do. Respect is taught from an early age, so if you as parents can’t teach kids to respect what their role in life is then it gets passed down and along with the pressure of society.

    We don’t want to be accountable, we always want to blame others for our mishaps and misfortunes but in reality we cause our own. I hear a lot of women say how they are so good to a man, but that is their perception, just because you cook and clean doesn’t make a good woman. Just because you sex your man whenever and do whatever doesn’t make you a good woman and this is not just for a woman it applies to a man as well. A good partner is one that understand the needs and wants of his partner, if you feel that these wants and needs do not go in hand with what you are willing to give then leave. There is a big difference between conforming or compromising. Conforming is that we are now only watching football because that is what I want to do and who cares what you want to watch. Compromise is that there 7 days in a week, one week we will watch 4 days of what you want and I get 3 and the next it is vice versa. When I cook you clean, when I work you keep the house tight, when we both work, we share all responsibility and switch after a certain time.

    So the jist of my point is that ulitmate we are responsible for our own situations. You don’t leave your doors unlocked and when you do you can’t complain when someone comes in and steals your stuff. You know who you allow in your house, no different on who you allow in your life. Human nature is to always get over if we are aware of it or not.

  22. I am a writer, so I don’t think that it is fair to respond to some of the comments. I will stand by what I said and just simply remind that “reading is fundamental”. If you get off on an emotional track because of what my words incite in you, that is fine, maybe you needed to express that for your own mental health. Again, this letter is not to refute that women should be accountable, it is not to place the blame on all men, it is not to lash out personally. It is simply to point out another perspective. If you agree with it cool, if you don’t, that’s cool too. I am perfectly fine in my own personal life and secure enough that I can share this without allowing some petty attacks at my person to land in my world. I am in probably the best place of my life and that is why I can speak up and out for what I believe in. I do this for child abuse, the planet, anorexia and countless other causes. But only when I speak up for women am I confronted with shear hate. Agape.

    1. It’s your blog…not a democracy. You don’t have to be fair. State your opinion and joke em if they can’t take a fuck.

      Respond or don’t at your whim. It’s not like anyone just paid to read your opinion…you don’t owe them anything. You owe yourself.

  23. The “you are what you attract” comment always puzzles me. I think we’ve all dated someone and around that 3 month mark realized this is not the same person we were dealing with on the 3rd, 5th date or even the 45th day. The truth is, in trying to make good impressions we often compromise who we are. There are some con artists who live their whole lives this way and in the process are able to fake whole relationships- Men & Women.

    Fellas, you’ve got that one girl that anytime she calls you will go running even when you’re in a relationship with someone else. Now the woman you are in the actual relationship in probably doesn’t know this so when you cheat on her with the other does that mean your current girlfriend is cheating on you? NO, so that kills the whole “you are what you attract” theory.

    What I find hilarious is that for single mothers raising sons men will always say “A woman can’t teach a boy how to be a man” yet now that we’re grown we can? You’ve been this way for 18+ years and NOW I’m supposed to teach you how to treat women? That doesn’t even make sense LOL

    Aida’s post is not from a place of bitterness or anger. It’s so sad that instead of examining some of these issues some SOME of these guys would rather hurl insults. MAN is the leader of the family, head of civilization, keeper of the X&Y chromosome- it IS you’re job to lead by example. Not WOMAN- Our job is to be your rib, your support, your partner. If you LEAD to & from a place of positivity WE can all get there. If you continue to shirk that responsibility the situation will remain the same.

    I TOTALLY get it Aida. Great post!

    1. Oh, Cristal Bubblin…

      Actually, you just made my point for me. If you discover he’s a fraud, married or in a committed relationship… it’s because an aspect of you is just as selfish, shortsighted or inconsiderate. Maybe not to your man, but to your family, friends, etc.

      I’m sorry if you don’t understand metaphysics and the idea that your vibration will not allow you to coexist with opposing vibrations. But it’s a simple scientific fact. You might not like what you see… but HE is a reflection of YOU.

      Women need to take responsibility for their own lack and stop thinking relationships are supposed to be some kind of fairytale life.

      Every single woman who holds another man to blame is missing the ENTIRE point.

      1. I gotta disagree.

        Anyone can be conned. It’s only if it’s habitual that you need to take a look at what is inside you that may be making you consistently choose the wrong partner.

        I mean, I married an insane (and I do have papers to prove it) co-dependent for no other reason than I thought I was doing the right thing. It doesn’t make me flawed. It means I made a mistake.

        I ended that and then married the single biggest blessing in my life that I still marvel, and am thankful, every day that she’d even deign to talk to me, let alone be with me, bring a life into this world with me, and be the best companion and lover anyone could ever have.

  24. Wow…as a woman, I am truly saddened by the premise of this letter and most of all, the post by Cristal Bubblin. Most likely coming from your brainwashed Christian mind, you’re under the sad impression that men were born to rule and women to follow. After all the hell feminists have been through trying to fight that Medieval mentality and get YOU that post as CEO of a Fortune 500 company or make YOU a Congresswoman, you managed to bring it all crumbling down with a single letter. Makes me wonder whether we really are making any progress at all. That point of view alone made other potentially promising statements in your letter completely null and void.
    Furthermore, your deluded viewpoints actually made men look like the victims, as you blame THEM for our unhappiness and/or drama. Sure, they can contribute to a problem, but no more than we allow them to. Gone are the days when we need their signature to own property, get a job or vote (at least in the Western World). So any limitations we encounter in life can be overcome without the help of a man. We are just as capable in every respect other than perhaps carrying the big box of books from the den to the attic. I feel sorry for you if you think any differently as that tells me you must have very low self-esteem and/or a very poor image of what a woman is and can do.
    Am I saying that sexism is dead and that equality reigns supreme? Far from it. But your archaic gender-role ideas make you just as much a contributor to this age-old problem as the chauvinistic redneck who tells his wife to “get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich”. Stop perpetuating this parasitic notion by NOT preaching old and outdated social norms.
    Lastly, to the good men out there who feel overwhelmed and confused by people like Aida and Cristal (“she says she’s a strong independent woman but demands I treat her like a princess and pay all her bills…wtf does that mean??!”), please just don’t waste your time on women who want their cake and eat it too. Women like that will drive you crazy, as they feel entitled to royal treatment yet don’t value themselves as equals to men. The result – she will expect you to do everything for her (as the poor little lady is not capable) and then thank her for it!!
    As I paraphrase Tijuana Jackson in his video rebuttal, a man’s job is not to make us happy, but merely to enhance our happiness. Likewise, a woman’s job is not to make a man happy, but merely to enhance his happiness. Amen.

    1. Oh, Jo, your sadness humors me. I am amused that a YouTube Character that speaks through Hip Hop and professes “Pimpology” is offering you leadership. I can’t believe you quoted someone that stated “kill every ho on the planet”, really? This is not about Christianity as I don’t subscribe to organized religion, sorry your assessment is inaccurate, I am also not a feminist because on the most fundamental level I understand Science. The greatest thing that I was given in life was a father and that really helped me understand the difference between a man and a woman. This letter is not about men being the source of women’s happiness but a statement on what some men are doing. Unfortunately because many women believe that they can do this “thing” by themselves that is the reality that they create.

      You miss the point, as you your ridiculous statement reveals “For all of you good men who feel overwhelmed and confused…” I can’t even finish that foolishness. How condescending, real men should be offended by your patronizing tone. The real men that have read this entry are in NO WAY affected negatively by this because they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. They have been supportive and honest about some of the mentioned issues. It is that thinking that is the “cancer” of the social bridge in women; you are given a vocabulary and a western education and believe that in some way you are superior to the rest of us.

      This letter is not about blame, it is about reality. You and Tijuana say make better choices, I agree, but according to the text the “better choices” are scarce. So instead of blaming women and putting them down for not all being at the top of the food chain, why not encourage them to stand in solidarity and mend through fellowship. Instead of not holding men accountable for their actions why not ask them to hold a mirror up (just like many of our male leaders have).

      In closing I don’t need anyone to treat me like a princess, I am a QUEEN and I treat myself as such and everyone else follows suit. Being a Queen has nothing to do with anything financial and material. Where exactly in my post do I, in any way, discuss anything about money, material things or anything superficial other than asking some men to get a job and stop financially abusing the weak. Continue to seek that proverbial pat on head from the men that you are trying to emulate and impress and see what that gets you. You can preach all that you want but when you go to the bathroom, if you pee standing up, you are going to make a mess.

      1. Who professes “Pimpology,” Aida? Ain’t no pimpology in this. I’m just stating truth as it comes. Just because every woman is attracted to me doesn’t make me a pimp. It’s not my fault that people get emotional when they look me in the eye. That is something I was born with.

        And what do you mean by “better choices” are scarce? You’ll have to explain that to me as it appears I’m too slow to interpret.

        Man, a brother comes into the game to shed some light from the male perspective and suddenly he’s deemed a pimp? What did I deem you? Let me go back and watch the video… If you gotta’ name call… call me what I am which is an “Ex Convict Turned Motivational Speaker.”

        And my statement about women having to “kill every ho on the planet” was a metaphor for “not an option.” Before you begin taking my statements out of context all I ask is that you give me a thorough listen as I was earnest enough to give you a thorough read.

        Or at least take a moment to understand what I do before you label me a pimp. I’m offended by that. I haven’t had sex in months and most of my suits are still in the cleaners. So you know I’m not prowling.

        But being that I don’t have a British Education my delivery may have thrown some of the listeners off. You may have also missed my address to men.

        In my research I have found that about 70% of the people on the planet blame someone for something. I am not one of those people. All I’m saying is “Go Within or Go Without.”

  25. As a man who has often questioned “male culture” I applaud your forthrightness and courage that you’ve displayed here. In every man there is a part of the soul that has been enslaved by the expectations of other men. Our collective sense of identity and association with things we have been told, shown and taught are “macho” is a part of our problem. Some aspects of macho are excellent, such as: taking care of your family (including children you have seeded into life outside of marriage), protecting women and children and elders from harm, even other men, if they are beset upon by bullies; finding work and working; teaching boys to really be men and to understand the spiritual and actual responsibilities that are a part of being a father. When I was growing up I would hear countless boy and then teen and then young adult males and still today with full-grown men talking about how many girlfriends or women they had or had taken to bed. It sounded to me like they were thinking of women as cattle and themselves as cowboys. I never bought into that, to an extent that I began to look down on most men. I realized, eventually, that men act the way they do with women because there actually IS no male culture. We are wild, and allowed to do whatever we wish the way we want to, whenever to whomever. Until men decide to establish a bonafide culture of respect for women and the world, we will always be chauvinist terrorists, slaves to our fear, and forever ‘momma and daddy’s little boy”. The bottom line is that it is time to grow up. I like what you said here Michelle and I hope this sparks a global discussio. About men, masculinity and the loss of gentlemanliness in male culture worldwide.

  26. I feel that there is too much negativity towards men from modern women. Modern women are confused (especially the young ones) and as the old saying goes, “They don’t know what they want”. It’s only when they are older that they learn their lesson and either descend into male hatred dressed up as feminism, or more rarely, a space where they can truly be wise in their choosing of a man and work with him in cultivating a truly fulfilling relationship. Unfortunately, this moment of clarity occurs towards middle age where many women lose hope of ever finding that special someone and thus default to male hatred.

    The dark archetypes you listed seem to appeal to something deep within women’s psyche (especially young ones). Why is it that violent, abusive men are rarely ever in shortage of women in their lives? Same with cheaters. There is something about these men that women find irresistibly attractive.

    The really nice guys tend to struggle with women whereas those with a dark side seem to do surprisingly well. It’s nothing new. Yet, shockingly, when everything comes tumbling down, the women complain. Fair enough, some of them have no conscious realization of the type of man they are dealing with but some are warned against them. You cannot grab a knife by the blade and complain of getting cut. And for your information, there is no such thing as a “whole man”. That is to imply perfection and unfortunately, human beings are fundamentally flawed.

    So I feel that as long as women continue to be attracted to men with these dark sides (which it seems, they inevitably will), this constant negativity toward them will continue(this too is inevitable). And as long as they repeat this cycle, refusing to learn from it, then it is likely that male hatred will brew within them. Until women step up to the plate and learn to choose their men correctly, open letters like yours will surface on the web and us men will read them, smile and conclude that women truly are confused. Maybe not you in particular, but the rest of your gender can’t help but be attracted to that convicted felon who slaps them around, treats them like dirt but manages to give them mind blowing make up sex (a bit crude.. but hey, such is the nature of the modern human).

    Good men are out there. But you see, they face rejection for being ‘too nice’ or ‘too boring’. All men have dark sides by the way. However, there are those who are in full control of theirs. These are the so called ‘good’ men. Whole men do not exist. They are a fantasy living in the idyllic world women create to escape reality. Us men cannot save you or ‘look out’ for you. We have our own identity issues to deal with.

    1. I respect your intelligent words and appreciate your point. We will have to agree to disagree on what a whole individual is, as for me, it is not a synonym for perfect. I believe being “whole” is about reaching your personal fullness and potential and not seeking completion from another. It is being aware of your innermost being and walking in the authority that though you are not perfect, you can be your best self.

      I agree with you that good men are out there, I know plenty. I grew up in a house where I was taught to respect, honor and uplift those that provided me with a blanket of security. My brothers, uncles, friends and mate will attest to the fact that I am one that believes that you should build a man up. I also am not addressing any of those men, and yes I am saying this again. Your point that some women don’t appreciate good men is valid but we are not looking beyond the obvious in seeing where this is coming from. I am not defending poor choices that women make, as we all have made them. I am simply stating that some men are really out of line in some of the things that they are doing. Yes, women need to make better decisions and be accountable but it doesn’t excuse bad behavior. Why is it that when a woman is physically beaten most people don’t use the argument that she should have made better choices? It has to be that extreme for men to stand up to other men for what they are doing wrong.

      I love men, my son is an example of that. As much as I tell my daughter that she is responsible for herself and choices and those in her life are a reflection of her, I tell my son to treat women as he would want his sister and myself to be treated. I will not tell him to run a mock because women need to make better choices. I think they are both accountable for their choices and their decisions on how they affect fellow human life.

      1. Aida, I agree with you 100%. In fact, I think we are saying the same thing. However, I think that the reason people don’t say “the woman should make better choices” when she is assaulted by a man is because getting her out from under a violent counterpart takes precedence over right and wrong.

        But I’ve seen plenty women stay with physically abusive men and EVERYONE they know tells them to “make better choices.” I could tell you things about women that will make your stomach curl. But as I’ve evolved those women rarely cross my path because I no longer walk the same path. I’m not checking for those kinds of women anyway.

        I spent several years in and out the joint and believe me when I say… there are some good men in lock down, too. Maybe you should start a pen pal. Just a friendly suggestion.

      2. Well I will step up to the plate and tell you I have been telling women for yrs to make better choices when they get beaten by a man. Why? Because 90% of the time, it doesn’t happen once. It happens the first time, and the women does not leave. Why? In that book, “Is Marriage for White People” the author tells the story of an educated women, getting her PHD, so she was not some hood rat, as they say, and yet she stayed with her man that beat her. Six months later, she was dead. Tragic story, but who decided to stay around. She did. This happens all the time whether its abuse, cheating, lying, you name it. Would I say something to the guy in question, yeah I would, I have. But at the end of the day, if a woman stays, anything else After the first time is her own darn fault.

  27. My only response to the blog itself is that it’s not wrong. It’s not complete, mind you, but not wrong either. For every man who consistently does women wrong, there is a woman who does the same to men.

    The trick is to ignore what media and society likes to paint the picture of as the qualities necessary from a partner in life, and go with what’s right for you. For your heart. For your health. For your sexual appetite. For your life situation. And once you’ve chosen, don’t allow yourself to play victim to anyone.

    Unless of course you’re into that sort of thing, heh. To each their own kink, as long as it’s safe, sane and consensual 😉

    1. So you’re telling me that you MARRIED an insane co-dependent because “you thought you were doing the right thing” and YOU are the victim? I’m gonna’ leave that right there… because your follow up statement seems to imply that you don’t believe you’re flawed. This blog will ALWAYS be here for you to review in your wiser years. If you don’t get a laugh out your “Victim Riddled” post I sure will.

      1. First of all, there’s obviously more to the story than indicated in a quick blurb about my ex-wife, so coming to some sort of conclusion based on that is fairly pointless on your part. You don’t have anywhere near enough information to begin to form an opinion, let alone enough to be right about one.

        Second of all, I didn’t say I was a victim. I made a mistake. I didn’t know I was going to make the mistake when I made it, but nobody forced me to make it, so I’m not a victim. I entered into the marriage of my own free will. When it became apparent that it was the wrong thing to do, I corrected that mistake.

        And I didn’t say I wasn’t flawed. Nobody is flawless, least of all me. But I didn’t choose a crazy co-dependent because of my flaws. I chose her because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time.

    2. And that’s all I’m saying… I made the same mistake once and corrected it within a 7 month span. But the lesson I learned was that my need to be with a co-dependent woman was a form of co-dependence in itself. I was not the HERO. I was merely a person who felt the need to SAVE people. And that need to SAVE people stemmed from a damaged self esteem, fear and/or a need to control.

      Why did I feel the need to control? Because (as anyone on the planet will tell you) Tijuana Jackson’s childhood was fucked up. My uncle tried to put his finger in my asshole while I was asleep but I caught him. My mother ended up taking sides with my uncle.

      So I have abandonment issues to say the least. And in my younger years I surrounded myself with dependent people because I (subconsciously) thought the dependent people were less likely to abandon me. Hence, the theme of my video –

      WE ARE NOT VICTIMS: http://youtu.be/XMZJFSLBOfE

  28. In my response, Aida, I misnamed you “Michelle” – thinking of one of my favorite Latinas and female action stars, Michelle Rodriguez. Guess you sparked an association in my mind to her because of the real-life super Shero action you have taken with this powerful and dynamic article. Apologies, Tony Regusters

  29. I loved this article. Well written and thought out. It is sometimes a hard pill to swallow, but a reality check is def. in order for SOME of our men in today’s society. We women are sometimes so guilty of allowing this behavior that in many cases it becomes the norm. It has become the norm to feel that all men are cheaters, beaters, liars, etc….and this new norm is not the truth. A man can HEAR how to be a real man from a mother, but unless there is a father or father-figure in place, a boy will grow up following a “Made-for-Life” script that he himself has developed on his own. Thank you for your insight and check out my blog as well…. http://anjiray.wordpress.com . “Take Him Off The Pedestal & Throw Him In The Highchair”. Enjoy!

  30. Aida, I thought your article was sincere and speaks up for women who have no voice, which seems to be your intent. As usual, this type of discussion brings up the argument, ‘what came first, the chicken or the egg?” If women didn’t accept this type of behavior from men, would men still behave this way? Or, is it because men know they can get away with such behavior, they treat women like dirt? Who knows!

    I agree with your assessment though that a lot of these men have unresolved issues, and refuse to seek counseling or other help to allow them to cope with these issues and heal. After all, if you don’t love yourself first, how can you love others?

    I also agree with most of what you’ve written and I am not bitter, nor do I believe that there aren’t any good men left. You are simply trying to warn them that if they exhibit the behaviors above, karma will see to it that they reap what they sowed.

  31. Wow Aida, I really loved your letter. In alot of ways it is like a sermon, as a man I must say that if you are angered or offended by the letter than you are guilty of something in the letter. don’t get mad get right!!! Your letter made me take a closer look at myself. I thank you for that. Never seen or heard you so serious, i like that side of you..

  32. “INDEED” AGREED much of what I have been saying in portions for years! Why do men always want to point a finger back before addressing the issue at hand? It is undeniable that women have been raised to be objects and things in a stereo tipic fashion … and yet we ask where “Basketball wives” came from? The term Gold digga’s? Women have the constant battle for some kind of freedom and control over our bodies and our minds, and acceptance as a human being and not a slave to the condition of a man. Yet we birth the life into this world we are the souls of nurture and beauty always cut down by settling for a consultation prize because we are em breaded without a man … any man we ain’t shit.
    So we fight to be heard honored respected … yet IF we ever turn the tables on the behaviors we endure day in and day out we are whores. NBA Allstar weekend “where all the hoochie’s come out” This posted and discussed by men who go out to the events man handle the hoochies and cheat on their wives but have the nerve to post negatively about women? Where did our daughters learn this to be a way to get a man? Where do you think. Men will vilify a stripper while they make it rain … I always ask … who is the real hoe? THE TEACHER? The percentage of “Good Men” are little to none, much less a man who knows HOW to be a man. The reason is simple as a man explained it to me when I asked …”How do so many men ask me for money? I am a single mother of three how do they even feel good about themselves taking food out a child mouth?” I was told fatherless households left you boys and men taking money from their mothers, their aunties, their sisters. So now we need solutions and assistance to change the thinking of men and women alike. Women are not disposable, we are not expendable, and we are not beneath a man. We are often the rock, the support and the love that lifts a man up. But if a man is dirty disrespectful and takes that for granted it takes ones soul. I may not be as eloquent as Aida has so on point put it in a wonderful blog but I feel her and support a sistah who knows and is not afraid to speak OUT loud.

    1. Date a good man and you wont have any issues. If you have a good man, dont leave him with the stupid idea and thought, “there is something else better out there.” The issue is and will always WHO YOU DECIDE TO DATE. So if there are bad outcomes, that your fault. Not the man’s. You ccant get pissed at the scorpion for stinging you, thats its nature. You are to get pissed at yourself for picking the scorpion up, and hoping it was gonna turn into a puppy. Doesn’t work that way. The idea expressed here is why I’ve given up with dating women all together.

  33. Impressive ,alid points .. i guess this is when you are suppose suggest what is good for geese is good for the gander.. Bottom line this world has taught alot of women to look for a knight in shining armor now that is so lke not true .. i hve daughters I tell them they n look all they want but none of that .. You are with me untillI get my degree .. So many are used and fall 4the nonsense , I see alot of times women working and the man homes out doing what he should not be .. Iam not perfect yes you Do have women who are just as bad .I mean it is human nature ..but just dont settle for the crap .. you dont have too be strong love and learn from your partner Make them as important to you as the air you breathe …Good Luck to us all …

  34. It is what it is and it has, is and always will do what it do. The conditions of the field are as such. These relations have played out since man and woman first walked the Earth. You’ve heard the old proverb, all is fair in love and war. The weak will always be dominated by the strong, mentally and physically. The person who ask for what is his/hers shall not receive. These are perilous times, most shall not and some shall. The voices of those that complain will always serve as food for those who prosper. My dear women, is there hope?

  35. He who said is wrong and he who said is right are both usually right. You attract who you are, plain and simple. We are defeating the whole point by being defensive instead of educating. I don’t think this is the place to vent your anger and disappointments, instead, lets discuss about solutions. may God help us all…

    1. I’d never heard the term “Mr. Gigga Ho” before. SMH. Those dudes do exist. Sadly, I agree that there are a mess of less than dignified men and women running ramped. Even worse they are usually unaware of the long term effects caused by their recklessness. But I’d like to offer a different perspective.

      I have noticed a lot of growth in the way I choose women today. I’ve been courting a young lady for five going on six months and I truly enjoy her company. She’s funny, smart, sexy, driven, accomplished and dignified. I’m not kidding… she’s all of those things. And rather than sleeping together we have agreed to build and enjoy the friendship first. What happened to those days? Good old “Courting.” Remember that?

      I know this sounds corny. I am aware either one of us could be out getting our jollies elsewhere. But I am also aware that we all have our own Karma to contend to.

      I’ve always gotten the best results when I developed a true, long term friendship before jumping into bed with a woman. I became friends with a woman when I was 21. And over a course of two years we became best friends. Would you believe she and I ended up being a couple for 7 years and lived together for 5? To this day I am grateful for everything that came from that experience.

      Whenever I take shortcuts I end up regretting it.

      I think today’s society doesn’t want to put in the work. No one wants to workout. They want a lypol. No one wants to curb their drinking. They want aging cream. And I see a lot of people making BIG mistakes simply because they were unwilling to take a little more time. In my experience, instant gratification is a recipe for instant loss. Taking your time ensures that you get something worthwhile from the experience. And guys who only want to get laid tend to bounce after a few months of waiting anyway.

      I empathize with your blog and I sincerely believe there is someone out there for everyone.

      Romany

      1. I love it! I think this is beautiful and should be an example as we all could use them. I operate in the same manner and believe that a man that is interested in me, will respect me in every way possible. I have been blessed to be the Queen in someone’s life for a very long time, I have encountered said dudes on some occasions. Though I had a dad that taught me in a very rare fashion, he gave me a tool that many women don’t have. I agree greatly with what you are saying and we ALL need to be responsible and accountable. Ladies I will tell you in a more updated language what my dad once told me…Why would he buy the album if he can download the songs for free? Everyone, choose your mate wisely. But this is just my point of view, never said it was law.

  36. Aida, thank you for the insight you bring as a woman who was brought up around real men. I wasn’t and the scars run deep. Your comments were right on. I too often see the pain men inflict on us because of an unwillingness to get help or a failure to recognize they need help. We all have something we need to work out to be a better person and a good mate. I wish men would recognize that getting the help they need is not a sign of weakness but a sign of maturity and strength. Their daughters, sisters, wives etc. would be better off it they were whole.

  37. This is Great! (The Debate). I dont agree or disagree with Article. With all due respect (Because it is well written) “I Dont Care”. Let me briefly explain…Firstly Most of you have made some great points in this Blog (Cecil, JoJo, Aida, and I love Tijauna’s video response!). The “I dont care” Statement is how i feel that REAL MEN/WOMEN should feel about these issues! Dont get me wrong, respect that they exist and prepare for them, but dont publicize them anymore than they need to be! Tijuana made an EXCELLENT point in his Video!

    “Women are tryin so hard not to get F’d over these days that it becomes their central focus, and eventually their reality”

    …The more we harp on each sexes shortcomings, the higher probability we make it our reality! I can care less about sorry, cheating, lying ass women. I dont waste my time! Instead I do my best to AVOID them and focus on finding someone to build a life with! Cecil also made a good point about society plaguing us in these relationships! The focus needs to be on building quality relationships not on shortcomings of Men/Women! Articles like this just fire up the Women who “live for drama” and give them a rock to throw at men. Jojo also made a great point about some men feeling overwhelmed with all the foolishness! I am one of them! My kind heart has been mistaken for “Just tryna fuck” or “You aint shit” several times. Like Musiq Soulchild Said, “Im not to blame for the pain that was caused by previous cats”. “Whole Men” dont wanna deal with that mess! Get over it and lets focus on building instead of tearing down! #EndBondageNow Aida, this quote shows that you are a product of your hate…

    “I am amused that a YouTube Character that speaks through Hip Hop and professes “Pimpology” is offering you leadership. I can’t believe you quoted someone that stated “kill every ho on the planet”, really?”

    To me that statement SOUNDED very surface driven, close minded, and disrespectful. Im glad you were able to quote the video because either you didnt get his point, or you did and it struck a nerve. His point was just as valid, if not more, than anyone else who commented on this blog! He also is very intelligent, but maybe not by your “societal standards!” Thats the problem, I think society has tainted so many minds that they have a “Pigeon Hole/Skewed View” on Love, Life, Career, Gender, etc…if you live by the Society, You will die by it! Like Cecil said, Live with your heart!

    Mucho respect to you all whether we agree or not! Thanks for posting this Article Aida! Although, I dont FULLY agree with the principle behind it, I think it will open some eyes! 😉 Q,

    P.S. Ironically enough, My upcoming album ‘You Forgot Your Heart” is based on many topics that rose in this blog! Look for it this Spring/Summer! http://www.Qmooremusic.com

    @Qmooremusic

  38. Thank you for expressing the words that many of us women feel everyday but are too afraid to address, for fear of the ” what happens next “…. the sad part is that we are sometimes to blind to realize that we have complete control of how we live our lives both us women and men, because there are many cold hearted women in this world aswell. We just have to believe that through God’s will all things are possible, even true happiness… God bless you mamas!

  39. Men, like women, go through various phases in life. All of the men outlined in this post could later be found in the next “a good man is…” post. So depending on where that man is mentally, emotionally and spiritually, he could easily be a no good blah blah blah…

    What it boils down to is personal responsibility, self-awareness, and growth. If you come across someone in the stage of life where he fits into one of the molds outlined above, you do have options: Flee, Stay, Help him out of it.

    If, as a man, you find yourself in that stage of life, look at the impact that it has on other people. Sometimes you may be rewarded for your bad behavior, but truthfully you have to look, not at what you’re always gaining from someone, but also on what you’re adding to that person’s life.

    If you are a guy who has nothing but poison to give people, it is because you have a lot of poison in your system that will either kill everything around you, or kill you (figuratively speaking…).

    So it is your choice, either be a giver of life…or a bastion of death.

  40. I have to say one thing. Regardless of where you stand on my point of view in this letter I am appreciate everyone’s offering. I am excited that people took the time to “read” as they say we rarely do that anymore. In all honestly, I have come across some interesting points here that have allowed me to see where others are coming from. This was my goal in writing the letter, to get some dialogue going in hopes that it would spread. I am a comedian and am always expected to deliver everything from a funny place but this was something that was on my heart. I appreciate all of your opinions and the opportunity to express mine. I am currently working on my book and this has just inspired me to write. Thank you for stopping by, venting, expressing or whatever else you’ve been doing. I am humbled by your contribution.

    When we are at our greatest, evolution is inevitable. **Aida Rodriguez

  41. I happen to agree with the entire letter to Men, Women should seek what is best and right in their surrounding before choosing some guy, no telling what he wants, how good is he,how honest he will treat you. If you are good to the lord and yourself, A honest to God woman will not fall for foolishness. Plus if daddy’s teach and show their little angels what a man, a real Godly man is to do for what God made for him. The woman, not to be ahead nor behind instead beside him,that will stop a lot of nonsense. I wish my daughter would bring me some guy to my house with his pants down cross his butt. You don’t respect yourself I know already how you going to treat my baby.Men need to be God fearing Men. Real Men, Honest Men.

  42. Well said sister, I just hope it reach those in need of that “act right” medicine. This didnt offend me and I would hope others take heed to your valuable synopsis, of what’s been plaguing our past, present and for sure future generation to come………..LUST, ENVY, JEALOUSLY and IMMATURITY are all powerful sickness to overcome, these traits lead to everything that’s hurting relationships!!!!!!!!!

  43. Simply put, I know there are men that fit your characterizations, but if you are the type of wioman that attracts such men into your life, then I think you need to ask yourself why and change your mental state so that you attract an outstanding man who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

  44. I have ZERO sympathy for anything you’re talking about. Why? Because as a man that is none of the things she mentioned that are bad I can tell you, women are NOT lining up in the streets to be with good men. Any pain you or other women are talking about is a manifestation of poor decisions in who a woman has decided to date. I’m so sick of hearing women bitch about the lack of responsible or good men, when the real problem is that too many women will not get it through their heads that you cannot and will not turn a bad man into a good one. AND thats the problem. You want to date these men that have what you think you want, and get pissed when they dont give you what you need. Well they cant, and they are not interested in doing so. Solving this so called man problem is simple, look around in your life, and the guy you just want to be BFF’s with is the man you ought to be dating. PERIOD. But please, if your gonna say some nonsense about not seeing him that way, or not “feeling” then dont bitch and complain about the poor outcomes that come from dating men that you have been dating up to this point.

  45. That was full of commentary and I must say this I had to read the entire post again and see it from your point. It causes men to want to defend men but she was speaking to a specific men and guess what some of us men, no most of us men fell into one of those categories in some particular woman’s life. Honest. Now some men may disagree with me but truthfully they are lying if they do ladies. Men have a hard time being transparent, it takes away our defense. I say ouch!!!!

    You covered just about every male negative. I’ve been the half ass man, I’ve been the cheater, I’ve used women and have been used myself, I’ve learned from that and I applaud you. I wish women weren’t so afraid of debate and would speak like this as a group of women standing together and reject us men when we deal with women like this.

    Applause!!!!!, and I say forgive us men please. No excuses and its not about what women do, men write your own women bash post, hers was honest from what she may have seen and or experienced. I wish men would be more honest instead of saying well she, or but her, what about us? Do we owe women an apology? Not for some elses actions but for our actions……Take it how you want it, truth is truth…………………

    1. Leonard, I understand that Aida focus was on Negative men, but here is the problem. I JUST STATED IT! If thats what you put your focus on thats what you will more than likely get. Focus on what you want not changing what you dont want. Aida did speak the truth and at least my comments werent posted to defend men against what she said.There will always be scandalous men and women! THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE unless you “Kill All the Hoes” like Tijuana Jackson said. (Not only referring to women in my previous reference) I can give a “Flying Fart” about stupid women! Dont waste your energy on the negative! 😉 Q.

  46. *Not sure if my first reply posted, but if it did I apologize for the duplication*

    There is alot of undeniable truth in her words.

    But even with that being said at the end of the day the ONLY person who is going to look out for you is YOU.

    You women need to eat, live, and breath the word SELF-PRESERVATION.

    While it is a terrible thing that there are men out there who embrace the traits that are mentioned in this article, I think that what has been lost in all of this is the lack of preventative measures that should be taken to minimize the encounters you have with these type of people.

    You don’t want to get pregnant? You take the “preventative measures” to not have unprotected sex.

    Everything in life is relative. When you have solid principles mixed with the will and desire to want more for urself the odds are usually in ur favor.

  47. I can understand your concern. But I have to say that I disagree with your statement, that women enable men to be this way. If you want to bring up abuse which is a valid point, you have to also day then that these women are unfit for a relationship emotionally. But women have a problem with reality at times it seems. If a man is telling you one thing and being true to it nice on. It would alleviate a lot of that pain. Although, I can agree with a majority of your column that is one point that I cannot whole heartedly agree with. Women choose who they want to be with, and if they make bad decsions the blame for their Decision

  48. Well done! You’re right, you are going to get slammed, mostly from men. I won’t write a too long drawn out response to that I’ll just say this:
    At the end of the day: what goes around comes back around.
    GOD does NOT SLEEP!
    Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

  49. Have been married twice. First husband was a womanizer. We were high school sweethearts. Married..I gave up a full ride scholarship. Three months into marriage he said..I was right, he was wrong”..put him thru college. When daughter was 2.9 yrs old and son 14 days..husband left with girlfriend. He told a mutual Guy friend this lady was known as a nymphomaniac. She would do any and everything to him he wanted. My two children and I were fine. I married two +years later..son 2.4 yrs, daughter 5…he had 5.6 and 8.6 yr. old daughters. Brought our daughter home on our first anniversary. He lied from the first night I met him…”had lucrative building business” not..it was gone. IRS closed my savings accts ..mine,my daughter’s, my son’s…$16,500..I had worked so hard to save…to pay the liar’s back taxes. Found out his first wife was choked nearly to death by this man..that is what ended their marriage. After 36.5 years of marriage, he left me. He had beaten me up in 1995..17 days after I had had neck surgery. I was still wearing the post surgery collar (must wear 60 days/ 24 hrs a day). No, I did not leave him. He left me…lying to all five of our grown children, our twelve grandchildren. Said i kicked him out and said to not come back without divorce papers. Called me manic depressive. My only sibling…jealous older sister spread rumors that I said she and he were having an affair and I was crazy. She even told me all six of our kids and she had known I was crazy for years and they could not stand me. Then she called me “big brown eyes, fat face” with my dear mom sitting right there. These folks all call themselves Christians. Our daughter and her daughter now have decided they don’t believe in God any longer. My second husband seldom worked although when he proposed he said only if I would promise to be a wife and nonworking mom.he also told me I would become his 36th sexual partner but that he was loyal WHILE HE,WAS MARRIED. The times he was not was when he would run away from home. Once for 9 months, once for three weeks, once for a year, and 4 women before the disillusionment was final on 9-15-2008. The women before me were hard on him. He is 75+ years old. Has “intentional tremors” according to my chiropractic daughter-in-law. Still has blamed me now for his having to pay too much money for the gas he has to put in his vehicle. Calls, blames, then says…” I have to go” and hangs up.
    I pray for him to get help. He is everything described in the writings but bisexual…a friend thinks he is that too but I disagree.

  50. Not all men are compromised. Your thesis omits the possiblity. It is very likely that oyu impose all the fears and inhibititions you gained from previous relationships into the relationship you are looking for. You can’t protect your daughter. All you can do is be there if she has questions. She needs an objective resource, that she trusts to make good decisions. The misgivings you relate is your sermon. (I am quite surprised you are still with us, since, after such a manifesto one usually rises to heaven to sit at the right side.) But since, you are here, don’t infect your duaghter with your fear. Find a man you like spending time with. Don’t commit sexually until you see there may be a future. Don’t try to change him. That would be controlling.

  51. I just read your article and i really enjoyed it. I like the way you broke it down the diffrent male types. I think that men that give a negative responce sees themself or some traits they may have in one or more of the types of men you listed.

  52. The world is a jungle. The divorce rates are staggering, anti-depressant use is up. All I can say is we need to know what we want, what we stand for and absolutely will not tolerate. Nothing really changes unless there is an open discussion with both sexes, each soul having their own opinion drawn from their past experiences. When it comes down to it, I’ve come to only trust an rely on myself. I can recognize most of the signs of falling into a woman’s “trap”, and unfortunately it tarnishes the image of the strong, independent woman doing her thing. Somewhere along the lines, the game got all messed up. I enjoy being single and its gonna take a remarkable woman to make me change that status.

  53. Much of the information can be reversed upon women as well. I am not here to provide a negative feedback, just to explain that women have similar issues. The art of shiftimg blame is so petty and lack maturity, which is what “some” women follow. To have a healthy relationship involves many of the practical points in this article for both genders. Women do lie, cheat, and play petty games just like men. So, who is at fault? An Open Letter To Women: You are a reflection of your choices. The man you describe as weak is probaly the mature person who keeps it real! Closing point: This article does not describe all men, just the individuals that are half-stepping!

    1. Exactly! Perhaps the letter should be titled “An Open Letter to SOME Men” so that we can stop missing the point. If you walk down the street and get robbed at gun point, is that robber a reflection of you? You did have the option to walk down another street. I am simply stating that though women need to make better choices, some men need to stop the madness.

  54. Like it being a better choice strongly believe and raised on being gave up on as a kid I knew I wanted and had to be different

  55. I don’t normally respond to blogs like this because it’s just women who are trying to find excuses for what they aren’t doing right in relationships. So they have to try to blame the entire black male population.

    If you are finding the wrong men in life, then you have no one to blame, but yourself. Just look at your own blog. Its got “GOLD DIGGER and SELF CENTERED” written all over it. Do you really think that any good black man would want to deal with a woman who thinks the way that you think about black men. I don’t care how pretty a woman looks on the outside, if her attitude stinks nothing else matters. You get back in life that same energy that you put out.

    Black men already have a hard enough time dealing with ignorant racist people in society, who use prejudged notions about them without actually trying to get to know them personally. And to have a black woman like yourself who harbors those same prejudged notions would be too much to deal with. The good black men need balance in their life, not drama in their life. If you spend your life looking for the negative, then you will find the negative. As a black man, I get sick and tired of running into black women who thinks that every black man needs or want something from them. The problem with black men is that we have been sitting in silence and allowing some of yall women to dog us out every chance yall get. As a black man, I refuse to go on another day allowing women like yourself and the rest of the world have open season on “Black Mens Day” in their blogs.

    1. Whoa, I am not sure you were reading my letter. WHERE in my letter did I specify any race? I suspect that your own anger is driving you and it’s affecting your reading. You are right about one thing, my blog has Gold Digger written all over it because I wrote a movie, did a one woman play and am making a film about that as well. My blog is supposed to be self-centered, it is about my point of view on things. Would you like for me to blog about the way you see things in life? I suggest you read my blog again and focus on the issue or not but don’t come here trying to turn this into something else. It is simply off base and not fair. Have a good day, sir.

      1. (((lol))
        \☺/
        ▌  I I
        / \ ((|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|)) (((Turn that up baby- that’s the Isley Brothers playing))) First of all, I am not angry. I am disappointed that a beautiful woman such as yourself would stoop, so low to be wasting her time complaining why she doesn’t have a man in her life. And as a woman, why would another woman take advice from a woman that don’t have a man, or can’t keep a man? I’m Just Saying! There is obviously some issues going on in your life. Because any woman who was clearly happy wouldn’t be looking for something to be wrong with every guy she meets. I am willing to give you one free session an a evaluation to figure out where did this “Internalized Racism” issue come from, or start? You are more than welcome to sit in my chair. Statistics show that most women who never grew up with their father in their lives generally hate men of their race. As far as, a movie and one woman play goes, I must be honest I have never heard of you before. Please enlighten me? You can play these juvenile games by stating that you weren’t referring to any race, but we all know by your word usage and slang what race of men you were referring too. Secondly, I am a tired black man. You gotta come harder than that!

        What is really sad about your blog and most of the women who agree with your stereo types and assessment on black men don’t know is that those stereo types come from Hollywood and the Main Stream Media. What also is really sad is that while you are co-signing those stereo types on black men, you can’t see the destruction that Hollywood is doing to black women by stereo typing them as “Drama Queens” in all of theses Reality Television shows (eg. Real Housewives of Atlanta, Love & Hip Hop, and LA Basketball Wives etc…) And when you see it happening to black women it will be to late. Karma is real.

        ((|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|)) ((( I Rather Be Living For The Love Of You)))

  56. I totally agree with you Aida. Thank you for putting out there what men don’t wanna hear from their woman. Its sad for me to say that I have met almost every type that you identify in your article. I know that I have to work on my self to make better choises, at some point you lose hope and settle. I came to feel that all men are the same and why look for one that is “different” if he really doesn’t excist (at least not in this life time). Every relationship takes a part of our heart and a part of us. So the next person gets a different woman, sometimes a more ensecure woman and sometimes a more agressive woman. Some men don’t understand what their actions do to a womans heart and soul. Anyways thank you again for writting this article.

    1. Look, I understand what you are saying, but you can’t go around blaming every man for the choice that you made. At some point you are gonna have to take some responsibility. A lot of times the guy who you wouldn’t give the time of day just might have been the right guy for you. I hear a lot of women make up excuses by saying, ” I shouldn’t have settled.” If the decision is ultimately yours are you really settling? Or in other words if you turned down the guy that you didn’t want and went home with the one you wanted, did you really settle?

      We have to stop lying to ourselves because it feels right.

  57. Fellas strive to be better than the day befor, There is no garantee on tomorrow. Feel the love there may be a second time around.

  58. Interesting reading. There are good men out there, women just need to interview them, date them and if they don’t fit the bill, move on and find someone that wants the same things. Match.com has millions of men and women, trust me, you will find your match.

    I agree with lots of what you address, I just think that we spend too much time analyzing it, just move on. This is my third marriage and a very good one. I did not settle, I was looking for a man who knows how to love and I found one. We have been together almost 6 years and it’s all wonderful.

  59. So you don’t think women spend a lot of time above the fray of mere mortals. They look down on the humanity and imagine, if they had the resource of masculinity they would be much different? Well..the honest truth…there are good and bad people. Women..are just as fail-able as men and the contention comes in every flavor.
    I’ve been beaten up by relationships but I am hanging in there. I certainly don’t presume to lecture humanity. A person need space and time to grow. It does not happen any other way.
    You know, I run into very attractive women and the conversation goes something like: I like you and I am available but I’m a religious fanatic. To which I reply; that’s okay, as long as you haven’t sacrificed to Baal or any other god.
    So you know…so women are just crazy.

  60. I dont understand why so many people felt the need to comment? It is like they want to explain why they should not be considered for your blog. We should all know what is written is your opinion. I never read in any of the words “All Men”.

    Someone say it was written about Boys and not Men well I disagree. If I may be so bold, I believe it was written about both!!!! There is nothing in the that we cannot find fault in and relationships are definitely not excluded.

    The problem is where we learn what we learn. We learn how to love from our parents. If what you saw growing up was a dysfunctional relationship than you will most likey end up having dysfunctional relationships. Dont blame Aida blame your parents!!!! As kids we arent taught anything so we are forced to learn from our experiences. So Aida dont blame men blame the women that raised the men. They allowed their sons to experience the worse from seeing how their dads (Gentlemen Callers) treated them (Their Moms) and then they wondered why their sons are the way they are.

    I have been married for 16 years. And I can say, “Getting married was the best thing I have ever done! Staying married was the most difficult thing I have ever done!” There is no instruction manual it is all OJT (On the Job Training). Just like any relationship it is OJT as well.

    So men we need to wake up and understand that the mothers of our kids (our future) will either become the brunt of several “YO Mama” jokes or they will become the queens they are supposed to be.

    And women you need to understand how you allow a man to treat you in front of your kids is teaching our next generation of daughters how they should be treated.

    “Yo Mamma is so nasty………” or “Your mother is a queen and should be treated like one!” Which shall it be?

    Whichever you choose dont blame Aida. 🙂

    1. You had some decent points, but I disagree with a lot of this. I don’t believe in a “Man/Woman is only as strong as their history” (Family, Childhood). Life is hard for all, Harder for a few more! Although it may slow us down, it shouldn’t stop us from reaching our goals. I hate “Crutches” that people use in life. Don’t ever give up, even if you are slowed down by something beyond your control (Race, sex, Class, Age, Education, Gender, Economics, etc)

      Either you are a “go-getter”, or you are not. And also, just because you are a “go-getter”, doesn’t necessarily mean that a monogamous relationship is your goal! Thats what makes it hard, we chase people who are “General” go-getters (Money, Job, Career, Looks, etc) but we forget to align our goals up with theirs because of the “General Goals” that society has set for us ARE MET by that person. And then when we fail, instead of moving on and trying to find someone that is aligned with our goals, we tend to go after the same person because we think they are “Our Type” and we fail again. And when we fail again, we just “Generally” lash out at “our type” as “men or women” in hopes to change “Our Type” INSTEAD of finding someone that is REALLY “our type”. Where are the priorities folks? #Think #StayPositive #LoveHard Q.Moore

      http://www.Qmooremusic.com

  61. Okay, I read this post, gave it a few days to sink in, then read it again. The thought that keeps coming to mind as a man is that your post, while seeming to be informative on its face, actually expounds upon the general problem in the whole man/woman paradigm.

    Let me say this on the outset and be as clear as I can.

    “As long as we view each other as a threat, we will continue to behave in ways that are self-defeating”

    You, a woman, can’t love me if you believe I may hurt you. I, as a man, can’t love you if I believe you only see me as someone meant to make your life easy.

    One of the exceptions I take with the entire piece is this notion that women know what’s wrong with men and that they are in any position at all to speak to all of our problems. Going a step further, many women seem to be experts in “What a man should be, how he should act, and who he should be” while, at the same time, being completely unable to articulate what their role should be in any given relationship.

    I often here women all bold and happy to talk about how great a mother they are. For some, they are right….they are great mothers. More than just being a great mother, the question should be ask, are they great teachers. After all, if the ‘perfect man’ is off working hard to provide for his family and the mother is home raising the kids, what is she teaching them. Mothers are a child’s first teacher. Does that factor into the responsibility equation as we talk about how young men or women turn out?

    I’ve often noted that people are quick to blame men when children fail and quick to put women up on a pedestal when they succeed. Why is that?

    My experience has taught me that women are generally confused about what they want, so it’s hard to take most of them seriously. I’m not trying to put women down by this comment, just state the facts, as I’ve experienced them.

    Ultimately, I think the article came from a good place in the heart, I just think it smacks of the perpetuation of several myths that exist when comes to male/female interactions.

  62. I won’t say a lot, though much could be sai here. I will say for every sorry man you and other women were done wrong I’m sorry. Even for men who are good and make bad decisions at times I’m sorry. People should stand for truth gender a side, enough of that doesn’t happen. I know what would be nice if you ladies would stop calling each other bitch. That would be a good gender stance for sure. Say what you want, and mean what you say! Stop buying and listening bitch records.
    The

  63. Sorry I didn’t finish my thought before the post. There could be a counter point of sorts but, that isn’t what I think this should be about. That would in part bring up a ” three sides to a story”. I think it better for men to confess and reform were it is proper. We know that you said some real things in this letter. I will take even better care of my female relationship’s.
    Now the one thing that I’d like to see is please stop “sisters ” acting as experts in men and what “real men—-whatever. There is a lot of that going on now days. Neither genderis an expert on the other gender. That I wish would stop. You didn’t say you were but it came to mind. Some stuff is just black & white. Right is that, and wrong is that.

  64. Where I come from (The planet earth) blaming other people for your actions is frowned upon. And I agree that some people are to blame for our actions. But due to the fact that I believe in equal rights for women I adamantly refuse to allow women to blame men for their actions since men can’t blame women for their actions. The last time I blamed a woman for my actions, which I only illustrated that she was partly to blame, she called me and cursed me out and made fun of my failures in life instead of taking responsibility for her part. So likewise I’m going to frown upon women blaming men for their actions.

    Another thing is how can I tell men to do the right thing when women are not willing to tell women to do the right thing? Like a cup of water with two holes in the bottom and only fixing one of the holes, just correcting half of the issue is not going to solve the problem anyway. Women need to get themselves together too, if they don’t want to do that (not even the little simple improvements) they why should I care??????????????? Does any of this sane logic I just gave you make any sense to you whatsoever? If it does then you are not a normal woman.

  65. You don’t want men blaming you or women in general for the stuff that they do but here you are blaming men for the stuff that women do. I got lynched the last time I tried it and I am pretty sure you would join the mob and lynch me if I tried that one.

    1. I looked you up on youtube and you said a negative and a positive is a negative. What you mean was a negative multiplied by a positive is a negative. And two negatives multiplied together equals a positive and I’d like to see how that would occur between two negative people. I just had to tell you that. Good jokes. Proceed on.

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